Life figures itself to me as a festal or funereal procession.
All of us have our places， and are to move onward underthe direction of a Chief-Marshal. The grand difficultyresults from the invariably mistaken principles on whichthe deputy-marshals seek to arrange this immenseconcourse of people， so much more numerous than thosethat train their interminable length through streets andhighways in times of political excitement. Their schemeis ancient， far beyond the memory of man， or eventhe record of history， and has hitherto been very littlemodified by the innate sense of something wrong， and thedim perception of better methods， that have disquietedall the ages through which the procession has taken itsmarch. Its members are classified by the merest externalcircumstances， and thus are more certain to be thrown outof their true positions， than if no principle of arrangementwere attempted. In one part of the procession wesee men of landed estate or moneyed capital， gravelykeeping each other company， for the preposterous reasonthat they chance to have a similar standing in the taxgatherer’sbook. Trades and professions march together
with scarcely a more real bond of union. In this manner，it cannot be denied， people are disentangled from themass， and separated into various classes according tocertain apparent relations； all have some artificial badge，which the world， and themselves among the first， learn toconsider as a genuine characteristic. Fixing our attentionon such outside shows of similarity or difference， losesight of those realities by which nature， fortune， fate， orProvidence， has constituted for every man a brotherhood，wherein it is one great office of human wisdom to classifyhim. When the mind has once accustomed itself to aproper arrangement of the Procession of Life， or a trueclassification of society， even though merely speculative，there is thenceforth a satisfaction which pretty wellsuffices for itself， without the aid of any actual reformationin the order of march.
For instance， assuming to myself the power ofmarshalling the aforesaid procession， I direct a trumpeterto send forth a blast loud enough to be heard from henceto China； and a herald， with world-pervading voice， tomake proclamation for a certain class of mortals to taketheir places. What shall be their principle of union？ Afterall， an external one， in comparison with many that mightbe found， yet far more real than those which the worldhas selected for a similar purpose. Let all who are afflictedwith like physical diseases form themselves into ranks！
Our first attempt at classification is not very successful.
It may gratify the pride of aristocracy to reflect， thatDisease， more than any other circumstance of human life，pays due observance to the distinctions which rank andwealth， and poverty and lowliness， have established amongmankind. Some maladies are rich and precious， and onlyto be acquired by the right of inheritance， or purchasedwith gold. Of this kind is the gout， which serves as a bondof brotherhood to the purple-visaged gentry， who obeythe herald’s voice， and painfully hobble from all civilizedregions of the globe to take their post in the grandprocession. In mercy to their toes， let us hope that themarch may not be long！ The Dyspeptics， too， are people ofgood standing in the world. For them the earliest salmon iscaught in our eastern rivers， and the shy woodcock stainsthe dry leaves with his blood， in his remotest haunts； andthe turtle comes from the far Pacific islands to be gobbledup in soup. They can afford to flavor all their dishes withindolence， which， in spite of the general opinion， is a saucemore exquisitely piquant than appetite won by exercise.
Apoplexy is another highly respectable disease. We willrank together all who have the symptom of dizziness inthe brain， and， as fast as any drop by the way， supply theirplaces with new members of the board of aldermen.
On the other hand， here come whole tribes of people，whose physical lives are but a deteriorated variety of life，and themselves a meaner species of mankind； so sad aneffect has been wrought by the tainted breath of cities，scanty and unwholesome food， destructive modes of labor，and the lack of those moral supports that might partiallyhave counteracted such bad influences. Behold here a trainof house-painters， all afflicted with a peculiar sort of colic.
Next in place we will marshal those workmen in cutlery，who have breathed a fatal disorder into their lungs， withthe impalpable dust of steel. Tailors and shoemakers，being sedentary men， will chiefly congregate into one partof the procession， and march under similar banners ofdisease； but among them we may observe here and there asickly student， who has left his health between the leavesof classic volumes； and clerks， likewise， who have caughttheir deaths on high official stools； and men of genius， too，who have written sheet after sheet， with pens dipped intheir heart’s blood. These are a wretched， quaking， shortbreathedset. But what is this crowd of pale-cheeked，
slender girls， who disturb the ear with the multiplicityof their short， dry coughs？ They are seamstresses， whohave plied the daily and nightly needle in the service ofmaster-tailors and close-fisted contractors， until now itis almost time for each to hem the borders of her ownshroud. Consumption points their place in the procession.