Or rather, as to her action in this last matter, I am, and was on the spot, clear: I knew at that moment how much SHE knew she must not leave me without having got from me.It came back in waves, in wider glimpses, and produced in so doing the excitement I had to control.It could NOT but be exciting to talk, as we talked, on the basis of those suppressed processes and unavowed references which made the meaning of our meeting so different from its form.We knew ourselves--what moved me, that is, was that she knew me--to mean, at every point, immensely more than I said or than she answered;just as she saw me, at the same points, measure the space by which her answers fell short.This made my conversation with her a totally other and a far more interesting thing than any colloquy I had ever enjoyed;it had even a sharpness that had not belonged, a few hours before, to my extraordinary interview with Mrs.Server.She couldn't afford to quarrel with me for catechising her; she couldn't afford not to have kept, in her way, faith with me; she couldn't afford, after inconceivable passages with Long, not to treat me as an observer to be squared.She had come down to square me; she was hanging on to square me; she was suffering and stammering and lying; she was both carrying it grandly off and letting it desperately go: all, all to square me.And I caught moreover perfectly her vision of her way, and I followed her way even while I judged it, feeling that the only personal privilege I could, after all, save from the whole business was that of understanding.I couldn't save Mrs.Server, and I couldn't save poor Briss; I COULD, however, guard, to the last grain of gold, my precious sense of their loss, their disintegration and their doom; and it was for this I was now bargaining.
It was of giving herself away just enough not to spoil for me my bargain over my treasure that Mrs.Briss's bribe would consist.She would let me see as far as I would if she could feel sure I would DO nothing; and it was exactly in this question of how much I might have scared my couple into the sense I COULD "do" that the savour of my suspense most dwelt.
I could have made them uneasy, of course, only by ****** them fear my intervention;and yet the idea of their being uneasy was less wonderful than the idea of my having, with all my precautions, communicated to them a consciousness.
This was so the last thing I had wanted to do that I felt, during my swift excursion, how much time I should need in the future for recovery of the process--all of the finest wind-blown intimations, woven of silence and secrecy and air--by which their suspicion would have throbbed into life.
I could only, provisionally and sketchily, figure it out, this suspicion, as having, little by little--not with a sudden start--felt itself in the presence of my own, just as my own now returned the compliment.What came back to me, as I have said, in waves and wider glimpses, was the marvel of their exchange of signals, the phenomenon, scarce to be represented, of their breaking ground with each other.They both had their treasure to guard, and they had looked to each other with the instinct of help.
They had felt, on either side, the victim possibly slip, and they had connected the possibility with an interest discernibly inspired in me by this personage, and with a relation discoverably established by that interest.It wouldn't have been a danger, perhaps, if the two victims hadn't slipped together;and more amazing, doubtless, than anything else was the recognition by my sacrificing couple of the opportunity drawn by my sacrificed from being conjoined in my charity.How could they know, Gilbert Long and Mrs.Briss, that actively to communicate a consciousness to my other friends had no part in my plan? The most I had dreamed of, I could honourably feel, was to assure myself of their independent possession of one.These things were with me while, as I have noted, I made Grace Brissenden wait, and it was also with me that, though I condoned her deviation, she must take it from me as a charity.I had presently achieved another of my full revolutions, and I faced her again with a view of her overture and my answer to her last question.The terms were not altogether what my pity could have wished, but I sufficiently kept everything together to have to see that there were limits to my choice."Yes, I let it go, your change of front, though it vexes me a little--and I'll in a moment tell you why--to have to.But let us put it that it's on a condition.""Change of front?" she murmured while she looked at me."Your expressions are not of the happiest."But I saw it was only again to cover a doubt.My condition, for her, was questionable, and I felt it would be still more so on her hearing what it was.Meanwhile, however, in spite of her qualification of it, I had fallen back, once and for all, on pure benignity."It scarce matters if I'm clumsy when you're practically so bland.I wonder if you'll understand,"I continued, "if I make you an explanation.""Most probably," she answered, as handsome as ever, "not.""Let me at all events try you.It's moreover the one I just promised;which was no more indeed than the development of a feeling I've already permitted myself to show you.I lose"--I brought it out--"by your agreeing with me!""'Lose'?"
"Yes; because while we disagreed you were, in spite of that, on the right side.""And what do you call the right side?"
"Well"--I brought it out again--"on the same side as my imagination."But it gave her at least a chance."Oh, your imagination!""Yes--I know what you think of it; you've sufficiently hinted how little that is.But it's precisely because you regard it as rubbish that I now appeal to you."She continued to guard herself by her surprises."Appeal? I thought you were on the ground, rather," she beautifully smiled, "of dictation.""Well, I'm that too.I dictate my terms.But my terms are in themselves the appeal." I was ingenious but patient."See?""How in the world can I see?"