SERVANT.'Tis her ladyship Sir--She always leaves her Chair at the milliner's in the next Street.
SURFACE.Stay--stay--draw that Screen before the Window--that will do--my opposite Neighbour is a maiden Lady of so curious a temper!--[SERVANT draws the screen and exit.]
I have a difficult Hand to play in this Affair--Lady Teazle as lately suspected my Views on Maria--but She must by no means be let into that secret, at least till I have her more in my Power.
Enter LADY TEAZLE
LADY TEAZLE.What[!] Sentiment in soliloquy--have you been very impatient now?--O Lud! don't pretend to look grave--I vow I couldn't come before----SURFACE.O Madam[,] Punctuality is a species of Constancy, a very unfashionable quality in a Lady.
LADY TEAZLE.Upon my word you ought to pity me, do you now Sir Peter is grown so ill-tempered to me of Late! and so jealous! of Charles too that's the best of the story isn't it?
SURFACE.I am glad my scandalous Friends keep that up.[Aside.]
LADY TEAZLE.I am sure I wish He would let Maria marry him--and then perhaps He would be convinced--don't you--Mr.Surface?
SURFACE.Indeed I do not.--[Aside.] O certainly I do--for then my dear Lady Teazle would also be convinced how wrong her suspicions were of my having any design on the silly Girl----LADY TEAZLE.Well--well I'm inclined to believe you--besides I really never could perceive why she should have so any admirers.
SURFACE.O for her Fortune--nothing else--LADY TEAZLE.I believe so for tho' she is certainly very pretty--yet she has no conversation in the world--and is so grave and reserved--that I declare I think she'd have made an excellent wife for Sir Peter.--SURFACE.So she would.
LADY TEAZLE.Then--one never hears her speak ill of anybody--which you know is mighty dull--SURFACE.Yet she doesn't want understanding--LADY TEAZLE.No more she does--yet one is always disapointed when one hears [her] speak--For though her Eyes have no kind of meaning in them--she very seldom talks Nonsense.
SURFACE.Nay--nay surely--she has very fine eyes--LADY TEAZLE.Why so she has--tho' sometimes one fancies there's a little sort of a squint--SURFACE.A squint--O fie--Lady Teazle.
LADY TEAZLE.Yes yes--I vow now--come there is a left-handed Cupid in one eye--that's the Truth on't.
SURFACE.Well--his aim is very direct however--but Lady Sneerwell has quite corrupted you.
LADY TEAZLE.No indeed--I have not opinion enough of her to be taught by her, and I know that she has lately rais'd many scandalous hints of me--which you know one always hears from one common Friend, or other.
SURFACE.Why to say truth I believe you are not more obliged to her than others of her acquaintance.
LADY TEAZLE.But isn't [it] provoking to hear the most ill-natured Things said to one and there's my friend Lady Sneerwell has circulated I don't know how many scandalous tales of me, and all without any foundation, too; that's what vexes me.
SURFACE.Aye Madam to be sure that is the Provoking circumstance--without Foundation--yes yes--there's the mortification indeed--for when a slanderous story is believed against one--there certainly is no comfort like the consciousness of having deserved it----LADY TEAZLE.No to be sure--then I'd forgive their malice--but to attack me, who am really so innocent--and who never say an ill-natured thing of anybody--that is, of any Friend--!
and then Sir Peter too--to have him so peevish--and so suspicious--when I know the integrity of my own Heart--indeed 'tis monstrous.
SURFACE.But my dear Lady Teazle 'tis your own fault if you suffer it--when a Husband entertains a groundless suspicion of his Wife and withdraws his confidence from her--the original compact is broke and she owes it to the Honour of her *** to endeavour to outwit him--LADY TEAZLE.Indeed--So that if He suspects me without cause it follows that the best way of curing his jealousy is to give him reason for't--SURFACE.Undoubtedly--for your Husband [should] never be deceived in you--and in that case it becomes you to be frail in compliment to his discernment--LADY TEAZLE.To be sure what you say is very reasonable--and when the consciousness of my own Innocence----SURFACE.Ah: my dear--Madam there is the great mistake--'tis this very conscious Innocence that is of the greatest Prejudice to you--what is it makes you negligent of Forms and careless of the world's opinion--why the consciousness of your Innocence--what makes you thoughtless in your Conduct and apt to run into a thousand little imprudences--why the consciousness of your Innocence--what makes you impatient of Sir Peter's temper, and outrageous at his suspicions--why the consciousness of your own Innocence--LADY TEAZLE.'Tis very true.
SURFACE.Now my dear Lady Teazle if you but once make a trifling Faux Pas you can't conceive how cautious you would grow, and how ready to humour and agree with your Husband.
LADY TEAZLE.Do you think so--
SURFACE.O I'm sure on't; and then you'd find all scandal would cease at once--for in short your Character at Present is like a Person in a Plethora, absolutely dying of too much Health--LADY TEAZLE.So--so--then I perceive your Prescription is that I must sin in my own Defence--and part with my virtue to preserve my Reputation.--SURFACE.Exactly so upon my credit Ma'am[.]
LADY TEAZLE.Well certainly this is the oddest Doctrine--and the newest Receipt for avoiding calumny.
SURFACE.An infallible one believe me--Prudence like experience must be paid for--LADY TEAZLE.Why if my understanding were once convinced----SURFACE.Oh, certainly Madam, your understanding SHOULD be convinced--yes--yes--Heaven forbid I should persuade you to do anything you THOUGHT wrong--no--no--I have too much honor to desire it--LADY TEAZLE.Don't--you think we may as well leave Honor out of the Argument? [Rises.]
SURFACE.Ah--the ill effects of your country education I see still remain with you.