SURFACE.My dear Lady Sneerwell, how do you do to-day--your most obedient.
LADY SNEERWELL.Miss Verjuice has just been arraigning me on our mutual attachment now; but I have informed her of our real views and the Purposes for which our Geniuses at present co-operate.
You know how useful she has been to us--and believe me the confidence is not ill-placed.
SURFACE.Madam, it is impossible for me to suspect that a Lady of Miss Verjuice's sensibility and discernment----LADY SNEERWELL.Well--well--no compliments now--but tell me when you saw your mistress or what is more material to me your Brother.
SURFACE.I have not seen either since I saw you--but I can inform you that they are at present at Variance--some of your stories have taken good effect on Maria.
LADY SNEERWELL.Ah! my dear Verjuice the merit of this belongs to you.But do your Brother's Distresses encrease?
SURFACE.Every hour.I am told He had another execution in his house yesterday--in short his Dissipation and extravagance exceed anything I have ever heard of.
LADY SNEERWELL.Poor Charles!
SURFACE.True Madam--notwithstanding his Vices one can't help feeling for him--ah poor Charles! I'm sure I wish it was in my Power to be of any essential Service to him--for the man who does not share in the Distresses of a Brother--even though merited by his own misconduct--deserves----LADY SNEERWELL.O Lud you are going to be moral, and forget that you are among Friends.
SURFACE.Egad, that's true--I'll keep that sentiment till I see Sir Peter.However it is certainly a charity to rescue Maria from such a Libertine who--if He is to be reclaim'd, can be so only by a Person of your Ladyship's superior accomplishments and understanding.
VERJUICE.'Twould be a Hazardous experiment.
SURFACE.But--Madam--let me caution you to place no more confidence in our Friend Snake the Libeller--I have lately detected him in frequent conference with old Rowland [Rowley] who was formerly my Father's Steward and has never been a friend of mine.
LADY SNEERWELL.I'm not disappointed in Snake, I never suspected the fellow to have virtue enough to be faithful even to his own Villany.
Enter MARIA
Maria my dear--how do you do--what's the matter?
MARIA.O here is that disagreeable lover of mine, Sir Benjamin Backbite, has just call'd at my guardian's with his odious Uncle Crabtree--so I slipt out and ran hither to avoid them.
LADY SNEERWELL.Is that all?
VERJUICE.Lady Sneerwell--I'll go and write the Letter I mention'd to you.
SURFACE.If my Brother Charles had been of the Party, madam, perhaps you would not have been so much alarmed.
LADY SNEERWELL.Nay now--you are severe for I dare swear the Truth of the matter is Maria heard YOU were here--but my dear--what has Sir Benjamin done that you should avoid him so----MARIA.Oh He has done nothing--but his conversation is a perpetual Libel on all his Acquaintance.
SURFACE.Aye and the worst of it is there is no advantage in not knowing Them, for He'll abuse a stranger just as soon as his best Friend--and Crabtree is as bad.
LADY SNEERWELL.Nay but we should make allowance[--]Sir Benjamin is a wit and a poet.
MARIA.For my Part--I own madam--wit loses its respect with me, when I see it in company with malice.--What do you think, Mr.Surface?
SURFACE.Certainly, Madam, to smile at the jest which plants a Thorn on another's Breast is to become a principal in the mischief.
LADY SNEERWELL.Pshaw--there's no possibility of being witty without a little [ill] nature--the malice of a good thing is the Barb that makes it stick.--What's your opinion, Mr.Surface?
SURFACE.Certainly madam--that conversation where the Spirit of Raillery is suppressed will ever appear tedious and insipid--MARIA.Well I'll not debate how far Scandal may be allowable--but in a man I am sure it is always contemtable.--We have Pride, envy, Rivalship, and a Thousand motives to depreciate each other--but the male-slanderer must have the cowardice of a woman before He can traduce one.
LADY SNEERWELL.I wish my Cousin Verjuice hadn't left us--she should embrace you.
SURFACE.Ah! she's an old maid and is privileged of course.
Enter SERVANT
Madam Mrs.Candour is below and if your Ladyship's at leisure will leave her carriage.
LADY SNEERWELL.Beg her to walk in.Now, Maria[,] however here is a Character to your Taste, for tho' Mrs.Candour is a little talkative everybody allows her to be the best-natured and best sort of woman.
MARIA.Yes with a very gross affectation of good Nature and Benevolence--she does more mischief than the Direct malice of old Crabtree.
SURFACE.Efaith 'tis very true Lady Sneerwell--Whenever I hear the current running again the characters of my Friends, I never think them in such Danger as when Candour undertakes their Defence.
LADY SNEERWELL.Hush here she is----
Enter MRS.CANDOUR
MRS.CANDOUR.My dear Lady Sneerwell how have you been this Century.
I have never seen you tho' I have heard of you very often.--Mr.Surface--the World says scandalous things of you--but indeed it is no matter what the world says, for I think one hears nothing else but scandal.
SURFACE.Just so, indeed, Ma'am.
MRS.CANDOUR.Ah Maria Child--what[!] is the whole affair off between you and Charles? His extravagance; I presume--The Town talks of nothing else----MARIA.I am very sorry, Ma'am, the Town has so little to do.
MRS.CANDOUR.True, true, Child; but there's no stopping people's Tongues.I own I was hurt to hear it--as I indeed was to learn from the same quarter that your guardian, Sir Peter[,] and Lady Teazle have not agreed lately so well as could be wish'd.
MARIA.'Tis strangely impertinent for people to busy themselves so.
MRS.CANDOUR.Very true, Child; but what's to be done? People will talk--there's no preventing it.--why it was but yesterday I was told that Miss Gadabout had eloped with Sir Filagree Flirt.But, Lord!
there is no minding what one hears; tho' to be sure I had this from very good authority.
MARIA.Such reports are highly scandalous.