The Garter Inn
Enter FALSTAFF and BARDOLPH
FALSTAFF.Bardolph, I say! BARDOLPH.Here, sir.FALSTAFF.Go fetch me a quart of sack; put a toast in 't.Exit BARDOLPH Have I liv'd to be carried in a basket, like a barrow of butcher's offal, and to be thrown in the Thames? Well, if I be serv'd such another trick, I'll have my brains ta'en out and butter'd, and give them to a dog for a new-year's gift.The rogues slighted me into the river with as little remorse as they would have drown'd a blind *****'s puppies, fifteen i' th' litter; and you may know by my size that I have a kind of alacrity in sinking; if the bottom were as deep as hell I should down.I had been drown'd but that the shore was shelvy and shallow-a death that I abhor; for the water swells a man; and what a thing should I have been when had been swell'd! I should have been a mountain of mummy.
Re-enter BARDOLPH, with sack
BARDOLPH.Here's Mistress Quickly, sir, to speak with you FALSTAFF.Come, let me pour in some sack to the Thames water; for my belly's as cold as if I had swallow'd snowballs for pills to cool the reins.Call her in.BARDOLPH.Come in, woman.
Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY
QUICKLY.By your leave; I cry you mercy.Give your worship good morrow.FALSTAFF.Take away these chalices.Go, brew me a pottle of sack finely.BARDOLPH.With eggs, sir? FALSTAFF.Simple of itself; I'll no pullet-sperm in my brewage.[Exit BARDOLPH] How now! QUICKLY.Marry, sir, I come to your worship from Mistress Ford.FALSTAFF.Mistress Ford! I have had ford enough; I was thrown into the ford; I have my belly full of ford.QUICKLY.Alas the day, good heart, that was not her fault! She does so take on with her men; they mistook their erection.FALSTAFF.So did I mine, to build upon a foolish woman's promise.QUICKLY.Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it would yearn your heart to see it.Her husband goes this morning a-birding; she desires you once more to come to her between eight and nine; I must carry her wordquickly.She'll make you amends, I warrant you.FALSTAFF.Well, I Will visit her.Tell her so; and bid her think what a man is.Let her consider his frailty, and then judge of my merit.QUICKLY.I will tell her.FALSTAFF.Do so.Between nine and ten, say'st thou? QUICKLY.Eight and nine, sir.FALSTAFF.Well, be gone; I will not miss her.QUICKLY.Peace be with you, sir.Exit FALSTAFF.I marvel I hear not of Master Brook; he sent me word to stay within.I like his money well.O, here he comes.
Enter FORD disguised