"They will never cease talking about me," he muttered angrily.Then he added, firmly, "Come, I must make an end of this."He soon reached the H6tel Luxembourg.He rapped at the door, and was speedily conducted to the best room in the house.He ordered a fire to be lighted.He also asked for sugar and water, and writing materials.At this moment he was as firm as in the morning.
"I must not hesitate," he muttered, " nor recoil from my fate."He sat down at the table near the fireplace, and wrote in a firm hand a declaration which he destined for the police.
"No one must be accused of my death," he commenced; and he went on by asking that the hotel-keeper should be indemnified.
The hour by the clock was five minutes before eleven; he placed his pistols on the mantel.
"I will shoot myself at midnight," thought he."I have yet an hour to live."The count threw himself in an arm-chair and buried his face in his hands.Why did he not kill himself at once? Why impose on himself this hour of waiting, of anguish and torture? He could not have told.
He began again to think over the events of his life, reflecting on the headlong rapidity of the occurrences which had brought him to that wretched room.How time had passed! It seemed but yesterday that he first began to borrow.It does little good, however, to a man who has fallen to the bottom of the abyss, to know the causes why he fell.
The large hand of the clock had passed the half hour after eleven.
He thought of the newspaper item which he had just read.Who furnished the information? Doubtless it was Jenny.She had come to her senses, tearfully hastened after him.When she failed to find him on the boulevard, she had probably gone to his house, then to his club, then to some of his friends.So that to-night, at this very moment, the world was discussing him.
"Have you heard the news?"
"Ah, yes, poor Tremorel! What a romance! A good fellow, only - "He thought he heard this "only" greeted with laughter and innuendoes.
Time passed on.The ringing vibration of the clock was at hand; the hour had come.
The count got up, seized his pistols, and placed himself near the bed, so as not to fall on the floor.
The first stroke of twelve ; he did not fire.
Hector was a man of courage; his reputation for bravery was high.
He had fought at least ten duels; and his cool bearing on the ground had always been admiringly remarked.One day he had killed a man, and that night he slept very soundly.
But he did not fire.
There are two kinds of courage.One, false courage, is that meant for the public eye, which needs the excitement of the struggle, the stimulus of rage, and the applause of lookers-on.The other, true courage, despises public opinion, obeys conscience, not passion;success does not sway it, it does its work noiselessly.
Two minutes after twelve - Hector still held the pistol against his forehead.
"Am I going to be afraid?" he asked himself.
He was afraid, but would not confess it to himself.He put his pistols back on the table and returned to his seat near the fire.
All his limbs were trembling.
It's nervousness," he muttered."It'll pass off."He gave himself till one o'clock.He tried to convince himself of the necessity of committing suicide.If he did not, what would become of him? How would he live? Must he make up his mind to work?
Besides, could he appear in the world, when all Paris knew of his intention? This thought goaded him to fury; he had a sudden courage, and grasped his pistols.But the sensation which the touch of the cold steel gave him, caused him to drop his arm and draw away shuddering.
"I cannot," repeated he, in his anguish."I cannot!"The idea of the physical pain of shooting himself filled him with horror.Why had he not a gentler death? Poison, or perhaps charcoal - like the little cook? He did not fear the ludicrousness of this now; all that he feared was, that the courage to kill himself would fail him.
He went on extending his time of grace from half-hour to half-hour.
It was a horrible night, full of the agony of the last night of the criminal condemned to the scaffold.He wept with grief and rage and wrung his hands and prayed.Toward daylight he fell exhausted into an uneasy slumber, in his arm-chair.He was awakened by three or four heavy raps on the door, which he hastily opened.It was the waiter, who had come to take his order for breakfast, and who started back with amazement on seeing Hector, so disordered was his clothing and so livid the pallor of his features.
"I want nothing," said the count."I'm going down."He had just enough money left to pay his bill, and six sous for the waiter.He quitted the hotel where he had suffered so much, without end or aim in view.He was more resolved than ever to die, only he yearned for several days of respite to nerve himself for the deed.
But how could he live during these days? He had not so much as a centime left.An idea struck him - the pawnbrokers!
He knew that at the Monte-de-Piete* a certain amount would be advanced to him on his jewelry.But where find a branch office?
He dared not ask, but hunted for one at hazard.He now held his head up, walked with a firmer step; he was seeking something, and had a purpose to accomplish.He at last saw the sign of the Monte-de-Piete on a house in the Rue Conde, and entered.The hall was small, damp, filthy, and full of people.But if the place was gloomy, the borrowers seemed to take their misfortunes good-humoredly.
They were mostly students and women, talking gayly as they waited for their turns.The Count de Tremorel advanced with his watch, chain, and a brilliant diamond that he had taken from his finger.
He was seized with the timidity of misery, and did not know how to open his business.A young woman pitied his embarrassment.
[* The public pawnbroker establishment of Paris, which has branch bureaus through the city.]
"See," said she, "put your articles on this counter, before that window with green curtains."A moment after he heard a voice which seemed to proceed from the next room: