At this present moment of time I am what the doctors call an interesting case, and am to be found in bed No.10, Ward 11, Massachusetts General Hospital.I am told that I have what is called Addison's disease, and that it is this pleasing malady which causes me to be covered with large blotches of a dark mulatto tint.However, it is a rather grim subject to joke about, because, if I believed the doctor who comes around every day, and thumps me, and listens to my chest with as much pleasure as if Iwere music all through--I say, if I really believed him, I should suppose I was going to die.The fact is, I don't believe him at all.
Some of these days I shall take a turn and get about again; but meanwhile it is rather dull for a stirring, active person like me to have to lie still and watch myself getting big brown and yellow spots all over me, like a map that has taken to growing.
The man on my right has consumption --smells of cod-liver oil, and coughs all night.The man on my left is a down-easter with a liver which has struck work; looks like a human pumpkin; and how he contrives to whittle jackstraws all day, and eat as he does, I can't understand.I have tried reading and tried whittling, but they don't either of them satisfy me, so that yesterday I concluded to ask the doctor if he couldn't suggest some other amusement.
I waited until he had gone through the ward, and then seized my chance, and asked him to stop a moment.
``Well, my man,'' said he, ``what do you want!''
I thought him rather disrespectful, but Ireplied, ``Something to do, doctor.''
He thought a little, and then said: ``I'll tell you what to do.I think if you were to write out a plain account of your life it would be pretty well worth reading.If half of what you told me last week be true, you must be about as clever a scamp as there is to be met with.I suppose you would just as lief put it on paper as talk it.''
``Pretty nearly,'' said I.``I think I will try it, doctor.''
After he left I lay awhile thinking over the matter.I knew well that I was what the world calls a scamp, and I knew also that Ihad got little good out of the fact.If a man is what people call virtuous, and fails in life, he gets credit at least for the virtue; but when a man is a--is--well, one of liberal views, and breaks down, somehow or other people don't credit him with even the intelligence he has put into the business.This I call hard.If I did not recall with satisfaction the energy and skill with which I did my work, I should be nothing but disgusted at the melancholy spectacle of my failure.
I suppose that I shall at least find occupation in reviewing all this, and I think, therefore, for my own satisfaction, I shall try to amuse my convalescence by writing a plain, straightforward account of the life I have led, and the various devices by which I have sought to get my share of the money of my countrymen.It does appear to me that Ihave had no end of bad luck.
As no one will ever see these pages, I find it pleasant to recall for my own satisfaction the fact that I am really a very remarkable man.
I am, or rather I was, very good-looking, five feet eleven, with a lot of curly red hair, and blue eyes.I am left-handed, which is another unusual thing.My hands have often been noticed.I get them from my mother, who was a Fishbourne, and a lady.As for my father, he was rather common.He was a little man, red and round like an apple, but very strong, for a reason I shall come to presently.The family must have had a pious liking for Bible names, because he was called Zebulon, my sister Peninnah, and I Ezra, which is not a name for a gentleman.At one time Ithought of changing it, but I got over it by signing myself ``E.Sanderaft.''
Where my father was born I do not know, except that it was somewhere in New Jersey, for I remember that he was once angry because a man called him a Jersey Spaniard.
I am not much concerned to write about my people, because I soon got above their level;and as to my mother, she died when I was an infant.I get my manners, which are rather remarkable, from her.
My aunt, Rachel Sanderaft, who kept house for us, was a queer character.She had a snug little property, about seven thousand dollars.An old aunt left her the money because she was stone-deaf.As this defect came upon her after she grew up, she still kept her voice.This woman was the cause of some of my ill luck in life, and I hope she is uncomfortable, wherever she is.I think with satisfaction that I helped to make her life uneasy when I was young, and worse later on.She gave away to the idle poor some of her small income, and hid the rest, like a magpie, in her Bible or rolled in her stockings, or in even queerer places.The worst of her was that she could tell what people said by looking at their lips; this Ihated.But as I grew and became intelligent, her ways of hiding her money proved useful, to me at least.As to Peninnah, she was nothing special until she suddenly bloomed out into a rather stout, pretty girl, took to ribbons, and liked what she called ``keeping company.'' She ran errands for every one, waited on my aunt, and thought I was a wonderful person--as indeed I was.I never could understand her fondness for helping everybody.A fellow has got himself to think about, and that is quite enough.Iwas told pretty often that I was the most selfish boy alive.But, then, I am an unusual person, and there are several names for things.
My father kept a small shop for the sale of legal stationery and the like, on Fifth street north of Chestnut.But his chief interest in life lay in the bell-ringing of Christ Church.He was leader, or No.1, and the whole business was in the hands of a kind of guild which is nearly as old as the church.I used to hear more of it than Iliked, because my father talked of nothing else.But I do not mean to bore myself writing of bells.I heard too much about ``back shake,'' ``raising in peal,'' ``scales,''
and ``touches,'' and the Lord knows what.