"'Yas,' he replied, somewhat unconvincingly, 'o' course I likes yer.'
"She gave him an affectionate slap, but he did not respond, and a few minutes afterwards, muttering some excuse, he rose and left her, and I followed him as he made his way towards the refreshment-room.
At the door he met one of his pals.
"'Hullo!' was the question, 'wot 'a yer done wi' 'Liza?'
"'Oh, I carn't stand 'er,' was his reply; 'she gives me the bloomin'
'ump. You 'ave a turn with 'er.'
"His friend disappeared in the direction of 'Liza, and Joe pushed into the room, I keeping close behind him. Now that he was alone Iwas determined to speak to him. The longer I had studied his features the more resemblance I had found in them to those of my superior friend Joseph.
"He was leaning across the bar, clamouring for two of gin, when Itapped him on the shoulder. He turned his head, and the moment he saw me, his face went livid.
"'Mr. Joseph Smythe, I believe,' I said with a smile.
"'Who's Mr. Joseph Smythe?' he answered hoarsely; 'my name's Smith, I ain't no bloomin' Smythe. Who are you? I don't know yer.'
"As he spoke, my eyes rested upon a curious gold ring of Indian workmanship which he wore upon his left hand. There was no mistaking the ring, at all events: it had been passed round the club on more than one occasion as a unique curiosity. His eyes followed my gaze. He burst into tears, and pushing me before him into a quiet corner of the saloon, sat down facing me.
"'Don't give me away, old man,' he whimpered; 'for Gawd's sake, don't let on to any of the chaps 'ere that I'm a member of that blessed old waxwork show in Saint James's: they'd never speak to me agen. And keep yer mug shut about Oxford, there's a good sort. Iwouldn't 'ave 'em know as 'ow I was one o' them college blokes for anythink.'
"I sat aghast. I had listened to hear him entreat me to keep 'Smith,' the rorty 'Arry, a secret from the acquaintances of 'Smythe,' the superior person. Here was 'Smith' in mortal terror lest his pals should hear of his identity with the aristocratic 'Smythe,' and discard him. His attitude puzzled me at the time, but, when I came to reflect, my wonder was at myself for having expected the opposite.
"'I carn't 'elp it,' he went on; 'I 'ave to live two lives. 'Arf my time I'm a stuck-up prig, as orter be jolly well kicked--'
"'At which times,' I interrupted, 'I have heard you express some extremely uncomplimentary opinions concerning 'Arries.'
"'I know,' he replied, in a voice betraying strong emotion; 'that's where it's so precious rough on me. When I'm a toff I despises myself, 'cos I knows that underneath my sneering phiz I'm a bloomin'
'Arry. When I'm an 'Arry, I 'ates myself 'cos I knows I'm a toff.'
"'Can't you decide which character you prefer, and stick to it?' Iasked.
"'No,' he answered, 'I carn't. It's a rum thing, but whichever Iam, sure as fate, 'bout the end of a month I begin to get sick o'
myself.'
"'I can quite understand it,' I murmured; 'I should give way myself in a fortnight.'
"'I've been myself, now,' he continued, without noticing my remark, 'for somethin' like ten days. One mornin', in 'bout three weeks'
time, I shall get up in my diggins in the Mile End Road, and I shall look round the room, and at these clothes 'angin' over the bed, and at this yer concertina' (he gave it an affectionate squeeze), 'and Ishall feel myself gettin' scarlet all over. Then I shall jump out o' bed, and look at myself in the glass. "You howling little cad,"I shall say to myself, "I have half a mind to strangle you"; and Ishall shave myself, and put on a quiet blue serge suit and a bowler 'at, tell my landlady to keep my rooms for me till I comes back, slip out o' the 'ouse, and into the fust 'ansom I meets, and back to the Halbany. And a month arter that, I shall come into my chambers at the Halbany, fling Voltaire and Parini into the fire, shy me 'at at the bust of good old 'Omer, slip on my blue suit agen, and back to the Mile End Road.'
"'How do you explain your absence to both parties?' I asked.
"'Oh, that's ****** enough,' he replied. 'I just tells my 'ousekeeper at the Halbany as I'm goin' on the Continong; and my mates 'ere thinks I'm a traveller.'
"'Nobody misses me much,' he added, pathetically; 'I hain't a partic'larly fetchin' sort o' bloke, either of me. I'm sich an out-and-outer. When I'm an 'Arry, I'm too much of an 'Arry, and when I'm a prig, I'm a reg'lar fust prize prig. Seems to me as if I was two ends of a man without any middle. If I could only mix myself up a bit more, I'd be all right.'
"He sniffed once or twice, and then he laughed. 'Ah, well,' he said, casting aside his momentary gloom; 'it's all a game, and wot's the odds so long as yer 'appy. 'Ave a wet?'
"I declined the wet, and left him playing sentimental airs to himself upon the concertina.
"One afternoon, about a month later, the servant came to me with a card on which was engraved the name of 'Mr. Joseph Smythe.' Irequested her to show him up. He entered with his usual air of languid superciliousness, and seated himself in a graceful attitude upon the sofa.
"'Well,' I said, as soon as the girl had closed the door behind her, 'so you've got rid of Smith?'
"A sickly smile passed over his face. 'You have not mentioned it to any one?' he asked anxiously.
"'Not to a soul,' I replied; 'though I confess I often feel tempted to.'
"'I sincerely trust you never will,' he said, in a tone of alarm.
'You can have no conception of the misery the whole thing causes me.
I cannot understand it. What possible affinity there can be between myself and that disgusting little snob passes my comprehension. Iassure you, my dear Mac, the knowledge that I was a ghoul, or a vampire, would cause me less nausea than the reflection that I am one and the same with that odious little Whitechapel bounder. When I think of him every nerve in my body--'
"'Don't think about him any more,' I interrupted, perceiving his strongly-suppressed emotion. 'You didn't come here to talk about him, I'm sure. Let us dismiss him.'