It was a beautiful night on the Styx,and the silvery surface of that picturesque stream was dotted with gondolas,canoes,and other craft to an extent that made Charon feel like a highly prosperous savings-bank.Within the house-boat were gathered a merry party,some of whom were on mere pleasure bent,others of whom had come to listen to a debate,for which the entertainment committee had provided,between the venerable patriarch Noah and the late eminent showman P.T.
Barnum.The question to be debated was upon the resolution passed by the committee,that "The Animals of the Antediluvian Period were Far More Attractive for Show Purposes than those of Modern Make,"and,singular to relate,the affirmative was placed in the hands of Mr.
Barnum,while to Noah had fallen the task of upholding the virtues of the modern freak.It is with the party on mere pleasure bent that we have to do upon this occasion.The proceedings of the debating-party are as yet in the hands of the official stenographer,but will be made public as soon as they are ready.
The pleasure-seeking group were gathered in the smoking-room of the club,which was,indeed,a smoking-room of a novel sort,the invention of an unknown shade,who had sold all the rights to the club through a third party,anonymously,preferring,it seemed,to remain in the Elysian world,as he had been in the mundane sphere,a mute inglorious Edison.It was a ****** enough scheme,and,for a wonder,no one in the world of substantialities has thought to take it up.The smoke was stored in reservoirs,just as if it were so much gas or water,and was supplied on the hot-air furnace principle from a huge furnace in the hold of the house-boat,into which tobacco was shovelled by the hired man of the club night and day.The smoke from the furnace,carried through flues to the smoking-room,was there received and stored in the reservoirs,with each of which was connected one dozen rubber tubes,having at their ends amber mouth-pieces.Upon each of these mouth-pieces was arranged a small meter registering the amount of smoke consumed through it,and for this the consumer paid so much a foot.The value of the plan was threefold.
It did away entirely with ashes,it saved to the consumers the value of the unconsumed tobacco that is represented by the unsmoked cigar ends,and it averted the possibility of cigarettes.
Enjoying the benefits of this arrangement upon the evening in question were Shakespeare,Cicero,Henry VIII.,Doctor Johnson,and others.Of course Boswell was present too,for a moment,with his note-book,and this fact evoked some criticism from several of the smokers.
"You ought to be up-stairs in the lecture-room,Boswell,"said Shakespeare,as the great biographer took his seat behind his friend the Doctor."Doesn't the Gossip want a report of the debate?""It does,"said Boswell;"but the Gossip endeavors always to get the most interesting items of the day,and Doctor Johnson has informed me that he expects to be unusually witty this evening,so I have come here.""Excuse me for saying it,Boswell,"said the Doctor,getting red in the face over this unexpected confession,"but,really,you talk too much.""That's good,"said Cicero."Stick that down,Boz,and print it.
It's the best thing Johnson has said this week."Boswell smiled weakly,and said:"But,Doctor,you did say that,you know.I can prove it,too,for you told me some of the things you were going to say.Don't you remember,you were going to lead Shakespeare up to ****** the remark that he thought the English language was the greatest language in creation,whereupon you were going to ask him why he didn't learn it?""Get out of here,you idiot!"roared the Doctor."You're enough to give a man apoplexy.""You're not going back on the ladder by which you have climbed,are you,Samuel?"queried Boswell,earnestly.
"The wha-a-t?"cried the Doctor,angrily."The ladder--on which Iclimbed?You?Great heavens!That it should come to this!...
Leave the room--instantly!Ladder!By all that is beautiful--the ladder upon which I,Samuel Johnson,the tallest person in letters,have climbed!Go!Do you hear?"Boswell rose meekly,and,with tears coursing down his cheeks,left the room.
"That's one on you,Doctor,"said Cicero,wrapping his toga about him."I think you ought to order up three baskets of champagne on that.""I'll order up three baskets full of Boswell's remains if he ever dares speak like that again!"retorted the Doctor,shaking with anger."He--my ladder--why,it's ridiculous.""Yes,"said Shakespeare,dryly."That's why we laugh.""You were a little hard on him,Doctor,"said Henry VIII."He was a valuable man to you.He had a great eye for your greatness.""Yes.If there's any feature of Boswell that's greater than his nose and ears,it's his great I,"said the Doctor.
"You'd rather have him change his I to a U,I presume,"said Napoleon,quietly.
The Doctor waved his hand impatiently."Let's drop him,"he said.
"Dropping one's biographer isn't without precedent.As soon as any man ever got to know Napoleon well enough to write him up he sent him to the front,where he could get a little lead in his system.""I wish I had had a Boswell all the same,"said Shakespeare."Then the world would have known the truth about me.""It wouldn't if he'd relied on your word for it,"retorted the Doctor."Hullo!here's Hamlet."As the Doctor spoke,in very truth the melancholy Dane appeared in the doorway,more melancholy of aspect than ever.
"What's the matter with you?"asked Cicero,addressing the new-comer.