"Are n't we all devoted to you, and proud of you, and waiting only to hear what you want, so that we may do it?"Roderick got up, and began to walk about the room; he was evidently in a restless, reckless, profoundly demoralized condition.
Rowland felt that it was literally true that he did not care a straw for anything, but he observed with anxiety that Mrs.Hudson, who did not know on what delicate ground she was treading, was disposed to chide him caressingly, as a mere expression of tenderness.
He foresaw that she would bring down the hovering thunderbolt on her head.
"In God's name," Roderick cried, "don't remind me of my obligations!
It 's intolerable to me, and I don't believe it 's pleasant to Mallet.
I know they 're tremendous--I know I shall never repay them.I 'm bankrupt!
Do you know what that means?"
The poor lady sat staring, dismayed, and Rowland angrily interfered.
"Don't talk such stuff to your mother!" he cried."Don't you see you 're frightening her?""Frightening her? she may as well be frightened first as last.
Do I frighten you, mother?" Roderick demanded.
"Oh, Roderick, what do you mean?" whimpered the poor lady.
"Mr.Mallet, what does he mean?"
"I mean that I 'm an angry, savage, disappointed, miserable man!"Roderick went on."I mean that I can't do a stroke of work nor think a profitable thought! I mean that I 'm in a state of helpless rage and grief and shame! Helpless, helpless--that 's what it is.
You can't help me, poor mother--not with kisses, nor tears, nor prayers! Mary can't help me--not for all the honor she does me, nor all the big books on art that she pores over.
Mallet can't help me--not with all his money, nor all his good example, nor all his friendship, which I 'm so profoundly well aware of:
not with it all multiplied a thousand times and repeated to all eternity! I thought you would help me, you and Mary;that 's why I sent for you.But you can't, don't think it!
The sooner you give up the idea the better for you.Give up being proud of me, too; there 's nothing left of me to be proud of!
A year ago I was a mighty fine fellow; but do you know what has become of me now? I have gone to the devil!"There was something in the ring of Roderick's voice, as he uttered these words, which sent them home with convincing force.
He was not talking for effect, or the mere sensuous pleasure of extravagant and paradoxical utterance, as had often enough been the case ere this; he was not even talking viciously or ill-humoredly.He was talking passionately, desperately, and from an irresistible need to throw off the oppressive burden of his mother's confidence.His cruel eloquence brought the poor lady to her feet, and she stood there with clasped hands, petrified and voiceless.Mary Garland quickly left her place, came straight to Roderick, and laid her hand on his arm, looking at him with all her tormented heart in her eyes.
He made no movement to disengage himself; he simply shook his head several times, in dogged negation of her healing powers.
Rowland had been living for the past month in such intolerable expectancy of disaster that now that the ice was broken, and the fatal plunge taken, his foremost feeling was almost elation;but in a moment his orderly instincts and his natural love of superficial smoothness overtook it.
"I really don't see, Roderick," he said, "the profit of your talking in just this way at just this time.
Don't you see how you are ****** your mother suffer?""Do I enjoy it myself?" cried Roderick."Is the suffering all on your side and theirs? Do I look as if I were happy, and were stirring you up with a stick for my amusement?
Here we all are in the same boat; we might as well understand each other! These women must know that I 'm not to be counted on.
That sounds remarkably cool, no doubt, and I certainly don't deny your right to be utterly disgusted with me.""Will you keep what you have got to say till another time,"said Mary, "and let me hear it alone?"
"Oh, I 'll let you hear it as often as you please; but what 's the use of keeping it? I 'm in the humor; it won't keep!
It 's a very ****** matter.I 'm a failure, that 's all; I 'm not a first-rate man.I 'm second-rate, tenth-rate, anything you please.
After that, it 's all one!"
Mary Garland turned away and buried her face in her hands;but Roderick, struck, apparently, in some unwonted fashion with her gesture, drew her towards him again, and went on in a somewhat different tone."It 's hardly worth while we should have any private talk about this, Mary," he said.
"The thing would be comfortable for neither of us.It 's better, after all, that it be said once for all and dismissed.
There are things I can't talk to you about.Can I, at least?
You are such a queer creature!"
"I can imagine nothing you should n't talk to me about," said Mary.
"You are not afraid?" he demanded, sharply, looking at her.
She turned away abruptly, with lowered eyes, hesitating a moment.
"Anything you think I should hear, I will hear," she said.
And then she returned to her place at the window and took up her work.
"I have had a great blow," said Roderick."I was a great ass, but it does n't make the blow any easier to bear.""Mr.Mallet, tell me what Roderick means!" said Mrs.Hudson, who had found her voice, in a tone more peremptory than Rowland had ever heard her use.
"He ought to have told you before," said Roderick.
"Really, Rowland, if you will allow me to say so, you ought!
You could have given a much better account of all this than I myself;better, especially, in that it would have been more lenient to me.
You ought to have let them down gently; it would have saved them a great deal of pain.But you always want to keep things so smooth!
Allow me to say that it 's very weak of you.""I hereby renounce such weakness!" said Rowland.
"Oh, what is it, sir; what is it?" groaned Mrs.Hudson, insistently.
"It 's what Roderick says: he 's a failure!"Mary Garland, on hearing this declaration, gave Rowland a single glance and then rose, laid down her work, and walked rapidly out of the room.