LADY UTTERWORD. Yes: horses. Why have we never been able to let this house? Because there are no proper stables. Go anywhere in England where there are natural, wholesome, contented, and really nice English people; and what do you always find? That the stables are the real centre of the household; and that if any visitor wants to play the piano the whole room has to be upset before it can be opened, there are so many things piled on it. Inever lived until I learned to ride; and I shall never ride really well because I didn't begin as a child. There are only two classes in good society in England: the equestrian classes and the neurotic classes. It isn't mere convention: everybody can see that the people who hunt are the right people and the people who don't are the wrong ones.
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER. There is some truth in this. My ship made a man of me; and a ship is the horse of the sea.
LADY UTTERWORD. Exactly how Hastings explained your being a gentleman.
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER. Not bad for a numskull. Bring the man here with you next time: I must talk to him.
LADY UTTERWORD. Why is Randall such an obvious rotter? He is well bred; he has been at a public school and a university; he has been in the Foreign Office; he knows the best people and has lived all his life among them. Why is he so unsatisfactory, so contemptible? Why can't he get a valet to stay with him longer than a few months? Just because he is too lazy and pleasure-loving to hunt and shoot. He strums the piano, and sketches, and runs after married women, and reads literary books and poems. He actually plays the flute; but I never let him bring it into my house. If he would only--[she is interrupted by the melancholy strains of a flute coming from an open window above.
She raises herself indignantly in the hammock]. Randall, you have not gone to bed. Have you been listening? [The flute replies pertly]. How vulgar! Go to bed instantly, Randall: how dare you?
[The window is slammed down. She subsides]. How can anyone care for such a creature!
MRS HUSHABYE. Addy: do you think Ellie ought to marry poor Alfred merely for his money?
MANGAN [much alarmed]. What's that? Mrs Hushabye, are my affairs to be discussed like this before everybody?
LADY UTTERWORD. I don't think Randall is listening now.
MANGAN. Everybody is listening. It isn't right.
MRS HUSHABYE. But in the dark, what does it matter? Ellie doesn't mind. Do you, Ellie?
ELLIE. Not in the least. What is your opinion, Lady Utterword?
You have so much good sense.
MANGAN. But it isn't right. It--[Mrs Hushabye puts her hand on his mouth]. Oh, very well.
LADY UTTERWORD. How much money have you, Mr. Mangan?
MANGAN. Really--No: I can't stand this.
LADY UTTERWORD. Nonsense, Mr Mangan! It all turns on your income, doesn't it?
MANGAN. Well, if you come to that, how much money has she?
ELLIE. None.
LADY UTTERWORD. You are answered, Mr Mangan. And now, as you have made Miss Dunn throw her cards on the table, you cannot refuse to show your own.
MRS HUSHABYE. Come, Alf! out with it! How much?
MANGAN [baited out of all prudence]. Well, if you want to know, Ihave no money and never had any.
MRS HUSHABYE. Alfred, you mustn't tell naughty stories.
MANGAN. I'm not telling you stories. I'm telling you the raw truth.
LADY UTTERWORD. Then what do you live on, Mr Mangan?
MANGAN. Travelling expenses. And a trifle of commission.
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER. What more have any of us but travelling expenses for our life's journey?
MRS HUSHABYE. But you have factories and capital and things?
MANGAN. People think I have. People think I'm an industrial Napoleon. That's why Miss Ellie wants to marry me. But I tell you I have nothing.
ELLIE. Do you mean that the factories are like Marcus's tigers?
That they don't exist?
MANGAN. They exist all right enough. But they're not mine. They belong to syndicates and shareholders and all sorts of lazy good-for-nothing capitalists. I get money from such people to start the factories. I find people like Miss Dunn's father to work them, and keep a tight hand so as to make them pay. Of course I make them keep me going pretty well; but it's a dog's life; and I don't own anything.
MRS HUSHABYE. Alfred, Alfred, you are ****** a poor mouth of it to get out of marrying Ellie.
MANGAN. I'm telling the truth about my money for the first time in my life; and it's the first time my word has ever been doubted.
LADY UTTERWORD. How sad! Why don't you go in for politics, Mr Mangan?
MANGAN. Go in for politics! Where have you been living? I am in politics.
LADY UTTERWORD. I'm sure I beg your pardon. I never heard of you.
MANGAN. Let me tell you, Lady Utterword, that the Prime Minister of this country asked me to join the Government without even going through the nonsense of an election, as the dictator of a great public department.
LADY UTTERWORD. As a Conservative or a Liberal?
MANGAN. No such nonsense. As a practical business man. [They all burst out laughing]. What are you all laughing at?
MRS HUSHARYE. Oh, Alfred, Alfred!
ELLIE. You! who have to get my father to do everything for you!
MRS HUSHABYE. You! who are afraid of your own workmen!
HECTOR. You! with whom three women have been playing cat and mouse all the evening!
LADY UTTERWORD. You must have given an immense sum to the party funds, Mr Mangan.
MANGAN. Not a penny out of my own pocket. The syndicate found the money: they knew how useful I should be to them in the Government.
LADY UTTERWORD. This is most interesting and unexpected, Mr Mangan. And what have your administrative achievements been, so far?
MANGAN. Achievements? Well, I don't know what you call achievements; but I've jolly well put a stop to the games of the other fellows in the other departments. Every man of them thought he was going to save the country all by himself, and do me out of the credit and out of my chance of a title. I took good care that if they wouldn't let me do it they shouldn't do it themselves either. I may not know anything about my own machinery; but Iknow how to stick a ramrod into the other fellow's. And now they all look the biggest fools going.