Some of us may think that we' ve been hurt too deeply, or too often, to forgive. But ironically, it' s those of us who' ve been most hurt that really need to forgive, for one simple reason: like cancer, bitterness can destroy its host. Unless it' s swiftly rooted out, it takes hold and grows, crippling and eventually even killing those who insist on clinging determinedly to it.
For the truth is that unless we can forgive, we can never recover. Our wounds will continue to fester and never heal. As the ancient Chinese proverb puts it, "Whoever seeks revenge should dig two graves."
Taking the first step for some people forgiveness feels impossible because they have no idea how to go about it. The first and most important thing you need to accept is that the act of forgiveness is not going to easy. In fact, it will probably be the hardest thing most of us ever have to do.
It seems totally unfair that we should have to forgive when we' re the ones who have been hurt. And that' s the crux of forgiveness.
The saying "Forgive and forget" may roll off the tongue, but it' s as shallow as it is short. For one thing, it' s downright impossible. For another, it misses the whole point of forgiveness. The things we most need forgive in life are the things we can' t forget. Rather than sweeping them under the carpet, we need to draw a line under them, deliberately2 choosing not to count them against the person who did them, and moving on.
That' s why, sometimes, the initial act of forgiveness may seem relatively easy, but dealing with the emotions that follow every time you see that person, or speak to them or just think about them, can be harder to deal with. True forgiveness is not a one-off act; it' s a constant emotional confrontation.
And the longer you wait to forgive someone, the harder it becomes. Time really doesn' t heal, it just gives the bitterness and resentment longer to eat away at you from inside. If you wait for the "right time" you may never do it.
A question you should ask yourself before you begin to tackle3 the art of forgiveness is this: How many of us are ever completely innocent in any given situation?
Some years ago, my wife, Cornelia, and I bought a piece of cheap, flat-packed, pine veneered furniture. For the first few months, it fooled everyone it was smart, functional and impressive, and we felt it fitted our home perfectly. But as time rolled by, the veneer slowly began to peel at the edges. It didn' t create the same impression any more, but at least it was being honest! The fact is that, like it or not, behind our smart veneer, we' re all just chipboard4. So before we become other people' s judge and jury, we' d be wise to take a long, hard look at ourselves in the mirror. And the more we see ourselves, warts and all, the more we' ll want to and be able to forgive others for their flaws, and the more we forgive, the more we' ll know true contentment.
Would you rather be right or happy? Forgiving others can get a satisfying reaction. So if you think you' re right and can' t find it in yourself to forgive, ask yourself this question: Would you rather be right or happy?
One of the hardest things about forgiveness is making that first move especially when you haven' t spoken to the person who hurt you for a While. But remember they' ll probably be happy to hear from you. They might even be impressed that you' ve done what they' ve wanted to do for years. But keep in mind you' re doing this for you just as much as them, so don' t be upset if they don' t react as you hoped.
Of course, some people don't believe they've done anything wrong, or don't care, so telling them you forgive them would only frustrate them and you. But that doesn't mean you can't find forgiveness in your heart. In fact, that's what true forgiveness is letting go of your anger and hurt, becoming at peace with what happened and moving on.
The more you nurture your resentment, the more unhappy you'll become. Unless you learn to develop the "lost art" of forgiving, you'll always remain a victim, not just of people who've done you wrong, but also of your own emotions.