“As I have told you before，” said Jeff Peters， “I neverhad much confidence in the perfidiousness of woman. Aspartners or coeducators in the most innocent line of graftthey are not trustworthy.”
“They deserve the compliment，” said I. “I think they areentitled to be called the honest sex.”
“Why shouldn’t they be？” said Jeff. “They’ve got theother sex either grafting or working overtime for ’em.
They’re all right in business until they get their emotionsor their hair touched up too much. Then you want to havea flat footed， heavy breathing man with sandy whiskers，five kids and a building and loan mortgage ready as anunderstudy to take her desk. Now there was that widowlady that me and Andy Tucker engaged to help us in thatlittle matrimonial agency scheme we floated out in Cairo.
“When you’ve got enough advertising capital—say aroll as big as the little end of a wagon tongue—there’smoney in matrimonial agencies. We had about 6，000 andwe expected to double it in two months， which is aboutas long as a scheme like ours can be carried on withouttaking out a New Jersey charter.
“We fixed up an advertisement that read about like this：
“Charming widow， beautiful， home loving， 32 years，possessing 3，000 cash and owning valuable countryproperty， would remarry. Would prefer a poor man withaffectionate disposition to one with means， as she realizesthat the solid virtues are oftenest to be found in thehumble walks of life. No objection to elderly man or oneof homely appearance if faithful and true and competentto manage property and invest money with judgment.
Address， with particulars.
Lonely， Care of Peters & Tucker， agents， Cairo， Ill.
“‘So far， so pernicious，’ says I， when we had finished theliterary concoction. ‘And now，’ says I， ‘where is the lady.’
“Andy gives me one of his looks of calm irritation.
“‘Jeff，’ says he， ‘I thought you had lost them ideas ofrealism in your art. Why should there be a lady？ Whenthey sell a lot of watered stock on Wall Street would youexpect to find a mermaid in it？ What has a matrimonial adgot to do with a lady？’
“‘Now listen，’ says I. ‘You know my rule， Andy， that inall my illegitimate inroads against the legal letter of thelaw the article sold must be existent， visible， producible.
In that way and by a careful study of city ordinances andtrain schedules I have kept out of all trouble with thepolice that a five dollar bill and a cigar could not square.
Now， to work this scheme we’ve got to be able to producebodily a charming widow or its equivalent with or withoutthe beauty， hereditaments and appurtenances set forth inthe catalogue and writ of errors， or hereafter be held by ajustice of the peace.’
“‘Well，’ says Andy， reconstructing his mind， ‘maybeit would be safer in case the post office or the peacecommission should try to investigate our agency. But where，’
he says， ‘could you hope to find a widow who would wastetime on a matrimonial scheme that had no matrimony init？’
“I told Andy that I thought I knew of the exact party.
An old friend of mine， Zeke Trotter， who used to drawsoda water and teeth in a tent show， had made his wife awidow a year before by drinking some dyspepsia cure ofthe old doctor’s instead of the liniment that he always gotboozed up on. I used to stop at their house often， and Ithought we could get her to work with us.
“’Twas only sixty miles to the little town where she lived，so I jumped out on the I.C. and finds her in the samecottage with the same sunflowers and roosters standing onthe washtub. Mrs. Trotter fitted our ad first rate except，maybe for beauty and age and property valuation. But shelooked feasible and praiseworthy to the eye， and it was akindness to Zeke’s memory to give her the job.
“‘Is this an honest deal you are putting on， Mr. Peters，’
she asks me when I tell her what we want.
“‘Mrs. Trotter，’ says I， ‘Andy Tucker and me have computedthe calculation that 3，000 men in this broad and unfaircountry will endeavor to secure your fair hand andostensible money and property through our advertisement.
Out of that number something like thirty hundred willexpect to give you in exchange， if they should win you， thecarcass of a lazy and mercenary loafer， a failure in life， aswindler and contemptible fortune seeker.
“‘Me and Andy，’ says I， ‘propose to teach these preyersupon society a lesson. It was with difficulty，’ says I， ‘thatme and Andy could refrain from forming a corporationunder the title of the Great Moral and Millennial MalevolentMatrimonial Agency. Does that satisfy you？’
“‘It does， Mr. Peters，’ says she. ‘I might have known youwouldn’t have gone into anything that wasn’t opprobrious.
But what will my duties be？ Do I have to reject personallythese 3，000 ramscallions you speak of， or can I throwthem out in bunches？’
“‘Your job， Mrs. Trotter，’ says I， ‘will be practically acynosure. You will live at a quiet hotel and will have no workto do. Andy and I will attend to all the correspondence andbusiness end of it.
“‘Of course，’ says I， ‘some of the more ardent andimpetuous suitors who can raise the railroad fare maycome to Cairo to personally press their suit or whateverfraction of a suit they may be wearing. In that case youwill be probably put to the inconvenience of kicking themout face to face. We will pay you 25 per week and hotelexpenses.’
“‘Give me five minutes，’ says Mrs. Trotter， ‘to get mypowder rag and leave the front door key with a neighborand you can let my salary begin.’
“So I conveys Mrs. Trotter to Cairo and establishes herin a family hotel far enough away from mine and Andy’squarters to be unsuspicious and available， and I tell Andy.
“‘Great，’ says Andy. ‘And now that your conscience isappeased as to the tangibility and proximity of the bait，and leaving mutton aside， suppose we revenoo a noo fish.’
“So， we began to insert our advertisement in newspaperscovering the country far and wide. One ad was all we used.