Greg:No,no,no,no.I’d love to.Pam,come on,it’s not like I’m a rabbi5 or something.I said grace at many a dinner table.(seemingly prepared)Okay.O dear God,thank You.You are such a good God to us,a kind and gentle…and accommodating6 God.And we thank You,O sweet,sweet Lord of hosts7…for the…smorgasbord8…You have so aptly lain at our table this day…and each day…day by day,day by day.
Jack opened his eyes to take a glimpse of Greg with a little impatience on his face.But Greg seemed still excited to continue his impromptu“speech”.
Greg:O dear Lord,three things we pray:to love Thee more dearly,to see Thee more clearly,to follow Thee more nearly…day by day…day by day.Amen.
Pam:Amen.
Dina:Oh,Greg,that was lovely.
Jack:Thank you,Greg.That was interesting,too.
Greg:Oh,that’s a…that’s a lovely vase9.That’s great.Let me guess,Jack.Is that one of your secret cameras too,huh?(making faces to the vase)Boogah-woogah-woogah!
Pam:Greg,Greg,that’s an urn10 which holds the remains of Jack’s mother.
Greg:Oh,I’m sorry.I’m so sorry.
Jack:That’s all right.You didn’t know,Greg.
Greg:I am…
Pam:That’s our Gran-gran.
Jack:We like to think of her as watching over us as we eat.Love you,ma.Miss you.Miss you every day.
Dina:Oh,honey.Why don’t you read Greg your poem?
Jack:Oh,no,he doesn’t want to hear that.
Greg:What?No!What-What poem?
Dina:You see,when Jack had to retire11 for health reasons…
Jack:That’s a bunch of malarkey12.Honey,I’m fine.
Dina:The doctor thought it would be therapeutic13 if he…sort of expressed his emotions in an artistic way.Honey,you wrote the most beautiful poem about your mother.Please,we really wanna hear it.
Greg:Poem,poem.Pam:Please!
Jack:Oh,all right.It’s a work in progress.I’m still not happy with it.As soon as it’s ready,then I am going to glaze14 it onto a plate…Mm,and put it next to the urn.
Pam:Nice.
Dina:It’s very special.
Jack:“My Mother”by Jack Byrnes.You gave me life;you gave me milk;you gave me courage.Your name was Angela,the angel from heaven,but you were also an angel of God,and He needed you too.Selfishly I tried to keep you here…while the cancer ate away your organs…like an unstoppable rebel force.But I couldn’t save you,and I shall see your face…nevermore,nevermore,nevermore,(sobbing)until we meet…in heaven.
Pam:(Sighs)Daddy,that’s beautiful.
Dina:(Whispering)It always gets me.
Greg:Amazing.So…so…so much love,yet also so much…information.
Dina:It takes a lot out of him.Greg,would you like some yams15?
Greg:Thank you.Oh,yeah.
Jack:You must’ve had vegetables fresher than that,growing up on a farm,Greg.
Pam:Dad,uh,Greg grew up in Detroit.
Jack:He told me he grew up on a farm.
Dina:Do they have many farms in Detroit?
Greg:No,Dina,no,not a lot.In fact,Jack,I should clarify16 this.I didn’t actually grow up…on a farm per se17.The house we grew up in was originally erected…in the early Dutch farm,colonial18 style.So that,plus we had a lot of pets…
Jack:Which one did you milk then?
Pam:Dad!
Jack:Honey,he said he pumped milk.
Pam:What have you ever milked?Jack’s cat Jinxi was scratching his foot under the table.
Greg:Cat.
Dina:A cat?
Greg:I milked a cat once.You wanna hear a story?
Jack:Sure.
Greg:My sister had a cat,and the cat birthed a litter of kittens19.Must’ve been 30 of them,and there was this one little runt20…this little sweet little…little-engine-that-could runt…who wanted to get up there and couldn’t really get access to the…to the…to the…to the…to the teat21.
Jack:Teat?
Pam:Dad.
Greg:What have you.22 I went in and just simply,you know,just…into a little saucer,then took the saucer and fed it to Geppetto23—that’s what I named him.
Dina:I had…I had no idea you could milk a cat.
Greg:Oh,yeah,you can milk anything with nipples.
Jack:I have nipples,24 Greg.Could you milk me?
Pam:Okay,could we change the subject,perhaps?
Greg:Oh!Champagne25,champagne.Yes,I thought maybe we could celebrate with a little bubbly26.
Pam:That’d be great.
Dina:Good idea,Yum!
Greg:(Mocking in the kitchen)“I have nipples.Can you milk me?”
Dina:Well,in a funny way,you’ve already seen Deb’s ring.
Jack:Mm-hmm,that’s true.
Greg:Would anybody care for a bottle of Oyster Bay Drug and Sundries27 finest champagne?Dina:That is so sweet of you,Greg.Isn’t that a nice gesture?
Jack:That’s very nice.
Pam:How could I have seen Debbie’s ring,Mom?
Jack:Well,when I gave Bob the okay to propose28 to Deb,I put him in touch with my diamond guy,and he picked out the exact same design Kevin gave you.
Greg:Kevin,your old boyfriend?
Pam:(Clears throat)Thanks,dad.