CRABTREE.Odds life! Nephew allow others to know something too--A Pair of Pistols lay on the Bureau--for Mr.Surface--it seems, had come home the Night before late from Salt-Hill where He had been to see the Montem with a Friend, who has a Son at Eton--so unluckily the Pistols were left Charged----SIR BENJAMIN.I heard nothing of this----CRABTREE.Sir Peter forced Charles to take one and they fired--it seems pretty nearly together--Charles's shot took Place as I tell you--and Sir Peter's miss'd--but what is very extraordinary the Ball struck against a little Bronze Pliny that stood over the Fire Place--grazed out of the window at a right angle--and wounded the Postman, who was just coming to the Door with a double letter from Northamptonshire.
SIR BENJAMIN.My Unkle's account is more circumstantial I must confess--but I believe mine is the true one for all that.
LADY SNEERWELL.I am more interested in this Affair than they imagine--and must have better information.--[Exit.]
SIR BENJAMIN.Ah! Lady Sneerwell's alarm is very easily accounted for.--CRABTREE.Yes yes, they certainly DO say--but that's neither here nor there.
MRS.CANDOUR.But pray where is Sir Peter at present----CRABTREE.Oh! they--brought him home and He is now in the House, tho' the Servants are order'd to deny it----MRS.CANDOUR.I believe so--and Lady Teazle--I suppose attending him----CRABTREE.Yes yes--and I saw one of the Faculty enter just before me----SIR BENJAMIN.Hey--who comes here----
CRABTREE.Oh, this is He--the Physician depend on't.
MRS.CANDOUR.O certainly it must be the Physician and now we shall know----Enter SIR OLIVER
CRABTREE.Well, Doctor--what Hopes?
MRS.CANDOUR.Aye Doctor how's your Patient?
SIR BENJAMIN.Now Doctor isn't it a wound with a small sword----CRABTREE.A bullet lodged in the Thorax--for a hundred!
SIR OLIVER.Doctor!--a wound with a small sword! and a Bullet in the Thorax!--oon's are you mad, good People?
SIR BENJAMIN.Perhaps, Sir, you are not a Doctor.
SIR OLIVER.Truly Sir I am to thank you for my degree If I am.
CRABTREE.Only a Friend of Sir Peter's then I presume--but, sir, you must have heard of this accident--SIR OLIVER.Not a word!
CRABTREE.Not of his being dangerously wounded?
SIR OLIVER.The Devil he is!
SIR BENJAMIN.Run thro' the Body----
CRABTREE.Shot in the breast----
SIR BENJAMIN.By one Mr.Surface----
CRABTREE.Aye the younger.
SIR OLIVER.Hey! what the plague! you seem to differ strangely in your accounts--however you agree that Sir Peter is dangerously wounded.
SIR BENJAMIN.Oh yes, we agree in that.
CRABTREE.Yes, yes, I believe there can be no doubt in that.
SIR OLIVER.Then, upon my word, for a person in that Situation, he is the most imprudent man alive--For here he comes walking as if nothing at all was the matter.
Enter SIR PETER
Odd's heart, sir Peter! you are come in good time I promise you, for we had just given you over!
SIR BENJAMIN.'Egad, Uncle this is the most sudden Recovery!
SIR OLIVER.Why, man, what do you do out of Bed with a Small Sword through your Body, and a Bullet lodg'd in your Thorax?
SIR PETER.A Small Sword and a Bullet--
SIR OLIVER.Aye these Gentlemen would have kill'd you without Law or Physic, and wanted to dub me a Doctor to make me an accomplice.
SIR PETER.Why! what is all this?
SIR BENJAMIN.We rejoice, Sir Peter, that the Story of the Duel is not true--and are sincerely sorry for your other Misfortune.
SIR PETER.So--so--all over the Town already! [Aside.]
CRABTREE.Tho', Sir Peter, you were certainly vastly to blame to marry at all at your years.
SIR PETER.Sir, what Business is that of yours?
MRS.CANDOUR.Tho' Indeed, as Sir Peter made so good a Husband, he's very much to be pitied.
SIR PETER.Plague on your pity, Ma'am, I desire none of it.
SIR BENJAMIN.However Sir Peter, you must not mind the Laughing and jests you will meet with on the occasion.
SIR PETER.Sir, I desire to be master in my own house.
CRABTREE.'Tis no Uncommon Case, that's one comfort.
SIR PETER.I insist on being left to myself, without ceremony,--I insist on your leaving my house directly!
MRS.CANDOUR.Well, well, we are going and depend on't, we'll make the best report of you we can.
SIR PETER.Leave my house!
CRABTREE.And tell how hardly you have been treated.
SIR PETER.Leave my House--
SIR BENJAMIN.And how patiently you bear it.
SIR PETER.Friends! Vipers! Furies! Oh that their own Venom would choke them!
SIR OLIVER.They are very provoking indeed, Sir Peter.
Enter ROWLEY
ROWLEY.I heard high words: what has ruffled you Sir Peter--SIR PETER.Pshaw what signifies asking--do I ever pass a Day without my Vexations?
SIR OLIVER.Well I'm not Inquisitive--I come only to tell you, that I have seen both my Nephews in the manner we proposed.
SIR PETER.A Precious Couple they are!
ROWLEY.Yes and Sir Oliver--is convinced that your judgment was right Sir Peter.
SIR OLIVER.Yes I find Joseph is Indeed the Man after all.
ROWLEY.Aye as Sir Peter says, He's a man of Sentiment.
SIR OLIVER.And acts up to the Sentiments he professes.
ROWLEY.It certainly is Edification to hear him talk.
SIR OLIVER.Oh, He's a model for the young men of the age!
But how's this, Sir Peter? you don't Join us in your Friend Joseph's Praise as I expected.
SIR PETER.Sir Oliver, we live in a damned wicked world, and the fewer we praise the better.
ROWLEY.What do YOU say so, Sir Peter--who were never mistaken in your Life?
SIR PETER.Pshaw--Plague on you both--I see by your sneering you have heard--the whole affair--I shall go mad among you!
ROWLEY.Then to fret you no longer Sir Peter--we are indeed acquainted with it all--I met Lady Teazle coming from Mr.Surface's so humbled, that she deigned to request ME to be her advocate with you--SIR PETER.And does Sir Oliver know all too?
SIR OLIVER.Every circumstance!
SIR PETER.What of the closet and the screen--hey[?]
SIR OLIVER.Yes yes--and the little French Milliner.Oh, I have been vastly diverted with the story! ha! ha! ha!
SIR PETER.'Twas very pleasant!