She did not answer when I knocked; and when I stepped softly in the room I saw her in bed, asleep, with her work not half done, lying about the room in the untidiest way.There was nothing remarkable in that, and I was just going away on tiptoe, when a tiny bottle and wine-glass on the chair by her bedside caught my eye.I thought she was ill and had been taking physic, and looked at the bottle.It was marked in large letters, "Laudanum--Poison."My heart gave a jump as if it was going to fly out of me.I laid hold of her with both hands, and shook her with all my might.She was sleeping heavily, and woke slowly, as it seemed to me--but still she did wake.I tried to pull her out of bed, having heard that people ought to be always walked up and down when they have taken laudanum but she resisted, and pushed me away violently.
"Anne!" says she, in a fright."For gracious sake, what's come to you! Are you out of your senses?""Oh, Mary! Mary!" says I, holding up the bottle before her, "if Ihadn't come in when I did--" And I laid hold of her to shake her again.
She looked puzzled at me for a moment--then smiled (the first time I had seen her do so for many a long day)--then put her arms round my neck.
"Don't be frightened about me, Anne," she says; "I am not worth it, and there is no need.""No need!" says I, out of breath--"no need, when the bottle has got Poison marked on it!""Poison, dear, if you take it all," says Mary, looking at me very tenderly, "and a night's rest if you only take a little."I watched her for a moment, doubtful whether I ought to believe what she said or to alarm the house.But there was no sleepiness now in her eyes, and nothing drowsy in her voice; and she sat up in bed quite easily, without anything to support her.
"You have given me a dreadful fright, Mary," says I, sitting down by her in the chair, and beginning by this time to feel rather faint after being startled so.
She jumped out of bed to get me a drop of water, and kissed me, and said how sorry she was, and how undeserving of so much interest being taken in her.At the same time, she tried to possess herself of the laudanum bottle which I still kept cuddled up tight in my own hands.
"No," says I."You have got into a low-spirited, despairing way.
I won't trust you with it."
"I am afraid I can't do without it," says Mary, in her usual quiet, hopeless voice."What with work that I can't get through as I ought, and troubles that I can't help thinking of, sleep won't come to me unless I take a few drops out of that bottle.
Don't keep it away from me, Anne; it's the only thing in the world that makes me forget myself.""Forget yourself!" says I."You have no right to talk in that way, at your age.There's something horrible in the notion of a girl of eighteen sleeping with a bottle of laudanum by her bedside every night.We all of us have our troubles.Haven't Igot mine?"
"You can do twice the work I can, twice as well as me," says Mary."You are never scolded and rated at for awkwardness with your needle, and I always am.You can pay for your room every week, and I am three weeks in debt for mine.""A little more practice," says I, "and a little more courage, and you will soon do better.You have got all your life before you--""I wish I was at the end of it," says she, breaking in."I am alone in the world, and my life's no good to me.""You ought to be ashamed of yourself for saying so," says I.
"Haven't you got me for a friend? Didn't I take a fancy to you when first you left your step-mother and came to lodge in this house? And haven't I been sisters with you ever since? Suppose you are alone in the world, am I much better off? I'm an orphan like you.I've almost as many things in pawn as you; and, if your pockets are empty, mine have only got ninepence in them, to last me for all the rest of the week.""Your father and mother were honest people," says Mary, obstinately."My mother ran away from home, and died in a hospital.My father was always drunk, and always beating me.My step-mother is as good as dead, for all she cares about me.My only brother is thousands of miles away in fore ign parts, and never writes to me, and never helps me with a farthing.My sweetheart--"She stopped, and the red flew into her face.I knew, if she went on that way, she would only get to the saddest part of her sad story, and give both herself and me unnecessary pain.
"_My_ sweetheart is too poor to marry me, Mary," I said, "so I'm not so much to be envied even there.But let's give over disputing which is worst off.Lie down in bed, and let me tuck you up.I'll put a stitch or two into that work of yours while you go to sleep."Instead of doing what I told her, she burst out crying (being very like a child in some of her ways), and hugged me so tight round the neck that she quite hurt me.I let her go on till she had worn herself out, and was obliged to lie down.Even then, her last few words before she dropped off to sleep were such as I was half sorry, half frightened to hear.
"I won't plague you long, Anne," she said."I haven't courage to go out of the world as you seem to fear I shall; but I began my life wretchedly, and wretchedly I am sentenced to end it."It was of no use lecturing her again, for she closed her eyes.
I tucked her up as neatly as I could, and put her petticoat over her, for the bedclothes were scanty, and her hands felt cold.She looked so pretty and delicate as she fell asleep that it quite made my heart ache to see her, after such talk as we had held together.I just waited long enough to be quite sure that she was in the land of dreams, then emptied the horrible laudanum bottle into the grate, took up her half-done work, and, going out softly, left her for that night.
March 6th.Sent off a long letter to Robert, begging and entreating him not to be so down-hearted, and not to leave America without ****** another effort.I told him I could bear any trial except the wretchedness of seeing him come back a helpless, broken-down man, trying uselessly to begin life again when too old for a change.