It was not till after I had posted my own letter, and read over part of Robert's again, that the suspicion suddenly floated across me, for the first time, that he might have sailed for England immediately after writing to me.There were expressions in the letter which seemed to indicate that he had some such headlong project in his mind.And yet, surely, if it were so, Iought to have noticed them at the first reading.I can only hope I am wrong in my present interpretation of much of what he has written to me--hope it earnestly for both our sakes.
This has been a doleful day for me.I have been uneasy about Robert and uneasy about Mary.My mind is haunted by those last words of hers: "I began my life wretchedly, and wretchedly I am sentenced to end it." Her usual melancholy way of talking never produced the same impression on me that I feel now.Perhaps the discovery of the laudanum-bottle is the cause of this.I would give many a hard day's work to know what to do for Mary's good.
My heart warmed to her when we first met in the same lodging-house two years ago, and, although I am not one of the over-affectionate sort myself, I feel as if I could go to the world's end to serve that girl.Yet, strange to say, if I was asked why I was so fond of her, I don't think I should know how to answer the question.
March 7th.I am almost ashamed to write it down, even in this journal, which no eyes but mine ever look on; yet I must honestly confess to myself that here I am, at nearly one in the morning, sitting up in a state of serious uneasiness because Mary has not yet come home.
I walked with her this morning to the place where she works, and tried to lead her into talking of the relations she has got who are still alive.My motive in doing this was to see if she dropped anything in the course of conversation which might suggest a way of helping her interests with those who are bound to give her all reasonable assistance.But the little I could get her to say to me led to nothing.Instead of answering my questions about her step-mother and her brother, she persisted at first, in the strangest way, in talking of her father, who was dead and gone, and of one Noah Truscott, who had been the worst of all the bad friends he had, and had taught him to drink and game.When I did get her to speak of her brother, she only knew that he had gone out to a place called Assam, where they grew tea.How he was doing, or whether he was there still, she did not seem to know, never having heard a word from him for years and years past.
As for her step-mother, Mary not unnaturally flew into a passion the moment I spoke of her.She keeps an eating-house at Hammersmith, and could have given Mary good employment in it; but she seems always to have hated her, and to have made her life so wretched with abuse and ill usage that she had no refuge left but to go away from home, and do her best to make a living for herself.Her husband (Mary's father) appears to have behaved badly to her, and, after his death, she took the wicked course of revenging herself on her step-daughter.I felt, after this, that it was impossible Mary could go back, and that it was the hard necessity of her position, as it is of mine, that she should struggle on to make a decent livelihood without assistance from any of her relations.I confessed as much as this to her; but Iadded that I would try to get her employment with the persons for whom I work, who pay higher wages, and show a little more indulgence to those under them than the people to whom she is now obliged to look for support.
I spoke much more confidently than I felt about being able to do this, and left her, as I thought, in better spirits than usual.
She promised to be back to-night to tea at nine o'clock, and now it is nearly one in the morning, and she is not home yet.If it was any other girl I should not feel uneasy, for I should make up my mind that there was extra work to be done in a hurry, and that they were keeping her late, and I should go to bed.But Mary is so unfortunate in everything that happens to her, and her own melancholy talk about herself keeps hanging on my mind so, that Ihave fears on her account which would not distress me about any one else.It seems inexcusably silly to think such a thing, much more to write it down; but I have a kind of nervous dread upon me that some accident--What does that loud knocking at the street door mean? And those voices and heavy footsteps outside? Some lodger who has lost his key, I suppose.And yet, my heart-- What a coward I have become all of a sudden!
More knocking and louder voices.I must run to the door and see what it is.Oh, Mary! Mary! I hope I am not going to have another fright about you, but I feel sadly like it.
March 8th.
March 9th.
March 10th.
March 11th.Oh me! all the troubles I have ever had in my life are as nothing to the trouble I am in now.For three days I have not been able to write a single line in this journal, which Ihave kept so regularly ever since I was a girl.For three days Ihave not once thought of Robert--I, who am always thinking of him at other times.
My poor, dear, unhappy Mary! the worst I feared for you on that night when I sat up alone was far below the dreadful calamity that has really happened.How can I write about it, with my eyes full of tears and my hand all of a tremble? I don't even know why I am sitting down at my desk now, unless it is habit that keeps me to my old every-day task, in spite of all the grief and fear which seem to unfit me entirely for performing it.